Rin's Decision
by Moiya Hatake
Summary: Rin has a sacrifice to make to ensure the success of her teams mission. With a week to prepare, who will she find to help her? UPDATED and EDITED: Chapter 6 has been re-written!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** Ok, so this story came to me one night while laying in bed and couldnt sleep worth...well you get the idea. And its been sitting in my head ever since. So finally last night I started it and now I thinks its ready to be posted. Its just a oneshot, but I broke it up to make it easier to follow. I cant say much more because Ill give things away...grins mischieviously And I played with Rin's age a little because Yondaime's not a pedophile!!! So I had to make her slightly older to make it not so EWE! Get my meaning? Please review, input is always valued!!

* * *

Rin took a deep breath, raised her hand and quickly knocked before she chickened out.

'I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.' she repeated over and over again, plastering a smile on her face as the door opened.

"Rin?" Yondaime smiled and leaned against the door, "This is a nice surprise. But..."

"Can I come in?" Rin stepped up and gently squeezed past the tall blonde before he could answer.

"Uh...ok."

Yondaime frowned still staring out the door before stepping back and shutting it with a sharp click, "It's a little late...so what brings you here?" he asked knowingly. It didn't take a silver haired genius to see she needed to talk as her hands fidgeted with a small pouch on her hip.

Far from the genin he once knew he sighed, remembering when she had first been assigned to his team, 'They were all so young.'

"Cant I visit my favorite sensei once and while? Do I have to have a reason?" she smiled sweetly.

Yondaime eyed her suspiciously then grinned, "Ex-sensei and your always welcome. But I know you better than that. You need to talk. Is it Kakashi?" he asked walking past her.

Rin frowned, "You assume too much. I haven't seen him for a while."

"You saw him the other night. He told me." Yondaime disappeared into the kitchen and filled a tea kettle with water before setting it on the stove.

Rin followed him, still glaring, 'Next on my to do list. Kill the last Hatake and rid the world of his arrogant, know-it-all...'

"Rin...tea?" he held up the kettle and shook it teasingly, the water sloshing around inside.

Rin snapped to attention and quickly moved around the table, prying it out of his hand and shooing him away, "Your right. I do need to talk...did...uh...Kakashi tell you what we talked about?" she asked, her back turned to him as she set the kettle back on the stove and grabbed the box of tea at the back of the counter.

"A mission that apparently has you a little upset. I don't suppose that's why you're here, to sweet talk me into getting you out of it?" he smiled, opening a cupboard and pulling out two cups.

Rin froze, 'Why didn't I think of that?' But then she thought of the next kunoichi who would be placed in the same position. Because of the war with Earth, most kunoichi left in Konoha were nearly as young as she was. Would it be right for her to place this burden onto someone else's shoulder? She wasn't the only medic...Rin shook her head...she had already been over all of this.

It was her.

She was the one who had to do this.

It was her duty as a kunoichi.

"No. I just need to talk." she said a little more quietly than she had intended.

Yondaime set the cups on the table and moved to stand next to her, concern in his eyes "Rin..."

"Im fine. Ill bring the tea out when its ready." she put on her sweetest smile and turned to grab the cups off the table.

Yondaime sighed knowing she could be stubborn when she got something in her head, "Ok. Ill meet you on the couch. Then we can talk."

Rin listened as he made his way up the hall to the bedroom and shut the door. He had obviously just gotten home, his vest was still draped over the back of the couch she noted when she came in. And he looked tired, which was the point in coming so late. It would help a lot.

The sound of whistling brought her back to the task at hand as she stretched out her chakra to make sure she knew where her ex-sensei and target was so he wouldn't surprise her. She knew it was foolish to think he couldn't surprise her. He's was the Fourth Hokage. It felt strange to call him a target, but it made what she had to do easier if she thought of this as part of her upcoming mission.

He would be angry.

Definitely hurt.

Disappointed.

That's if he remembered.

Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves, she reminded herself that she had spent the entire week preparing, arguing, and rationalizing herself nearly to death over this. But no matter how she looked at the situation, he was the logical choice.

When she came out balancing two very full, very hot, fragrant cups of tea, she had to stop and stare. A slight blush on her cheeks. She had never seen Yondaime in civilian clothes like this before. Walking around the end of the couch, Yondaime quickly stood and took one from her before it spilled and set it on the table.

Rin made her way around the table to the other end of the couch and set her cup down as well, before plopping down and getting comfortable. She eyed the cups on the table, thankful he had taken the right one.

She watched as he quickly sealed several scrolls he had been reading when she came in. Her eyes traveled from his nimble fingers, up his arm, stopping occasionally to admire the muscles normally hidden by the long sleeves of his uniform.

Yondaime sat back with his cup, propped his feet on the table and rested one arm on the back of the couch, taking a careful drink of his tea.

Rin pried her eyes away long enough to pick up her own cup. But against her will they roamed back over to the man sitting on the opposite end of the couch. The white t-shirt and black sweats was a nice look for him she thought, her eyes traveling from his bare feet to his face. His normally spiky hair laid a little softer without his hitai-ate.

It would be hard to guess he was an elite shinobi the way he was dressed, sipping tea and kicking back, completely relaxed. How many people had he killed with those hands? He wasn't a killer, and yet, that's exactly what he was. He was a good person though, not a hardened shinobi. He killed when he had to, to protect his precious people.

He was the perfect choice.

For more reasons than just to help her survive the mission.

"So, are you going to start or do I have to guess?"

Rin looked up into a pair of bright blue eyes, "Well. I have this mission I have to go on that involves a special tactic that only a kunoichi and a medic can execute."

'Ok. That was vague. But you don't want him catching on do you?' she mentally scolded, lifting her cup to her lips so she wouldn't have to look at him.

"Rin. If you want I could..."

Inhaling hot tea, she started coughing, 'That's not what he means baka!'

Yondaime waited patiently for her to catch her breath, eyeing her with a mixture of worry and mild suspicion. She was behaving very strangely, even for Rin.

"No. I don't want to be taken off the mission." she blurted out as soon as she was able to speak again, "I couldn't knowingly force someone else to do what Im..." she stopped and stared at him for a moment then continued a little calmer, "Its my duty. Besides. Im sixteen. Im also the only kunoichi and an experienced medic who has the best chance of making it through alive." she really didn't want to go into any more details.

Just hearing herself say it made it far too real for her to deal with right now.

Yondaime stared into his cup, "Are you sure?" he asked very seriously. If it was any other kunoichi, he would put it out of his mind as a shinobi's sacrifice for the greater good. They had all taken missions which required them to do insane things. But this was Rin. She wasn't just another kunoichi to him.

"Im sure. I just thought if I talked about it, it would be easier." she gave him a small smile when he finally looked up.

Yondaime suddenly looked nervous, "You know, there are things you could do to prepare for this mission. Boys your own age..."

Rin's eyes widened and she blushed, taking a drink of tea to hide her embarrassment...and maybe guilt.

"Its just a suggestion. Shinobi actually do it all the time. Not that Im telling you to go out and have sex with just anyone." Yondaime stopped and took a deep breath, jerking his foot out of his mouth.

This discussion would have been easier two years ago when she didn't even have breasts he thought, rubbing his eyes with his free hand. They burned and his head was feeling heavier by the second which he quickly blamed on the long day he had been having.

Now this.

Taking another drink of his tea he noted the time on the clock.

Two years ago he wouldn't have allowed her to take a mission like the one she was faced with now. No kunoichi her age would have even been considered he rationalized. But this wasn't two years ago, and Rin had just turned sixteen.

'Damn, why did it have to be her.'

"I thought about it. But there isn't anyone I could trust completely. Not just trust with the experience itself, but with keeping it to themselves. And I don't want to give away something this special to just anyone who doesn't care about me at all."

Yondaime looked up and wondered when she had grown up to be the level headed young woman sitting far too close all of a sudden. His eyes narrowed. What she was saying made sense, but he was having trouble keeping his mind on the conversation when she was that close. Clearing his throat he took another large gulp of tea and set it on the table standing up to get away from her.

Grabbing the arm of the couch to steady himself, he blinked several times before standing up straight and walking around the couch away from Rin. It was getting a little too hot in his opinion and it was late and for some reason he was more exhausted after drinking the tea than he had been when he first walked through the door.

Which was saying a lot, because he was well on his way to bed when she showed up.

'Uh...' his mind went blank as he found himself staring down into Rin's eyes, "Rin...", his hand move to her cheek, thumb brushing over the trademark stripe. It really was getting frustratingly hard to think straight. And she was too damn close again.

"Yes?" Rin checked both of his eyes, pupils slightly dilated. Placing her hand on the side of his neck, she could feel his pulse racing, not dangerously, but right about where she expected when the full effects of the drug hit his system.

Yondaime backed away until he hit the wall. He had been drugged before, but this was different. Why now? And why Rin? Was this all part of the drugs effects, a genjutsu combined to make it seem like he was home and two seconds away from ridding his ex-student of her virginity? His sixteen year old ex-student!

Something was definitely wrong.

Concentrating his chakra, Yondaime forced himself to focus just as Rins hand came up. This was bad. He wasn't even aware of her moving until she was right in front of him. His hand instinctively moved on its own, fingers wrapped around her wrist almost painfully. Searching her face and testing her and the room with his own chakra, he could find no sign of a jutsu or a genjutsu. But he was definitely suffering from some sort of drug.

His eyes darted over to the cup on the table.

It was getting harder to think, to concentrate and his chakra was slipping out of his control rapidly. It was like being heavily intoxicated, only with a very strong side effect of lust.

'Shit!'

It was also getting harder to ignore her hands, "Why?" he whispered. She was the only explanation, this was her doing. But he couldn't understand, his brain was shutting down.

Rin paused and looked up into his lust filled eyes, what little control he had left was slipping away. And she was glad for it, because she was sure she couldn't do this without help from him. She would chicken out and leave before they even got into the bedroom.

She couldn't answer.

And for a brief moment she saw the pain of betrayal flash in his bright blue eyes.

Then it was gone and so was her ability to think straight as his lips crashed over hers, hands holding her face, fingers brushing the back of her neck. A tear slipped down her cheek, but she quickly pushed away the guilt and fear.

The kiss was making her dizzy. Her hands, grasping hold of his arms and sliding them up along his lean muscles, was like an anchor holding her upright.

Yondaime could hear the warning bell, but couldn't concentrate long enough to figure out why it was ringing in the first place. Something was definitely wrong, but he couldn't see it. All that mattered was that the wonderful sensations and intoxicating feelings didn't stop. He needed more of it.

Rin silently patted herself on the back. The drug was working better than she had hoped. Fast, strong and complete. The only question left was wether or not he would remember anything when he woke up.

The sound of the bedroom door hitting the wall echoed faintly in her mind.

She had researched the ingredients, designed it to do several tasks at once without conflict or long lasting side effects. It was nearly perfect she thought dreamily as strong hands slipped into the waistband of her shorts.

Trying desperately to shut down the analytical medic part of her brain, Rin was suddenly very aware of how naked and exposed she was. Silently thanking the Gods she had decided to take some of the drug herself, she shoved her hands under his shirt, exploring every inch of muscle before pushing the fabric up and over his head.

'Definitely the perfect choice.' she thought moaning softly into another heated kiss, the drug giving her courage, or rather the lack of inhibitions and rational thought she needed to keep going.

She was surprised that even drugged out of his mind he was being amazingly gentle and wondered briefly what he would be like without the drug as an influence. She imagined he was like this with all of his lovers. Then she wondered why he wasn't taken. She knew outside of the bedroom he was an amazing man, and now she knew he was amazing in every aspect of his life.

So why hadn't someone snatched him up already?

The feel of the cool sheets on her heated skin sent a chill up her spine. He had explored nearly every inch of her body, making her so insane she hadn't found an opportunity to do the same for him. She knew the mission would feel nothing like what she was experiencing at that moment. In fact, she couldn't imagine anything ever feeling this good.

'Please don't hate me.' she nearly cried.

She would never regret this night if he didn't hate her.

'Please don't remember.' she silently pleaded.

If he didn't remember then they would be ok.

Suddenly, her train of thought derailed.

There was no going back and now that she was finally there, the last remnants of her childhood destroyed, she knew she didn't want to go back.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes:** Ok, I have made some changes and this story may end up being longer than I had planned. I also slipped and gave someone a clue as to what is happening, but hopefully they will either disreagrd it or keep it to themselves to prevent ruining the ending for others. Next chapter will include more of Yondaime, but mostly Rin and some Jiraiya. I like to think the old man would have taken an active role in Yondaime's life when it was important enough. Oh, this is the edited version, but the corrections are very small so you dont have to reread it if you dont want.

* * *

Kakashi continued to eye Yondaime from his peripheral. It was obvious the man had something on his mind but wasn't willing to talk about it. He had to bribe him with ramen just to get him to leave the office and his bowl was already cold as he absentmindedly stirred the soggy noodles with his chopsticks.

It was bordering on ridiculous in Kakashi's opinion. A week of nothing but staring and uneasiness and overworking himself. Not to mention the ramen. The man was insane about ramen and by now would have a stack of bowls sitting next to him.

"Sensei..."

"It's just a headache. Ill be fine."

Kakashi wasn't buying it.

Yondaime breathed in slowly and let it out even slower. There was no way in hell he was going to tell Kakashi about the morning he had woken to find that he had most definitely entertained a lady, but couldn't remember a damn thing. What kind of example would he be setting for the young man sitting next to him?

He couldn't even remember going out or consuming enough alcohol to be so intoxicated to forget he had gone out and brought home anyone. God, I hope it was a woman! He shook his head trying to shake the invasive thought. Of coarse it had been a woman, her smell had lingered. Somewhat familiar, but laced with something unfamiliar.

The idea made him feel nauseous. And he hadn't been lying about the headache. Every time he felt he should be remembering something, his head pounded. Almost to the point of tears. He'd never done something so...stupid. Bring home a stranger. No matter horny he got or how long it had been since he had bedded a woman.

And yet...

All the evidence of that morning told him he had in fact done just that.

He suddenly had the impulse to go around Konoha sniffing every woman he came across until he found the person responsible for his current state of mind. Which was stupid because he couldn't say it was the woman's fault. He just wished he could remember even the smallest detail. Considering how he felt when he woke, sans the headache, it must have been one hell of a night.

It was cruel, not being able to remember.

_Yondaime grunted and pulled the pillow over his head to block out the harsh sunlight pouring in through the crack in the curtains. Even through his eyelids it was too bright. Something else nagging at the back of his mind slowly brought him back to consciousness._

_A few something else's._

_First, was the slow pounding in his head, which became worse with his slowly recovering awareness of his surroundings. Second, he was sleeping in the buff, which he rarely did. Third, several smells assaulted his senses at the same time, causing him to jerk his head out from under the pillow and open his eyes._

_Big mistake he realized instantly._

_The room flipped and stars appeared before his eyes. His head dropped, a long slow groan escaping his lips as the symptoms slowly started to retreat. His last realization was that he had been so out of it anyone could have killed him while he slept. This last thought worried him the most as well as pissed him off._

_What the hell did he do and how could he have been so stupid to let it happen?_

_Several minutes passed before he felt enough control to simply roll over and slowly open his eyes. Staring up at the ceiling, he willed away the headache and quickly started moving backward through his memories. Other than waking that morning...wait...was it morning? His head turned and glared at the clock. A few seconds passed before his brain registered the time._

_Shit!_

_It was two o'clock in the afternoon!_

_Draping an arm over his eyes, the pounding slowly getting worse again, he continued to try and track down the memories that were so painfully elusive. The most recent thing he could conjure up was heading home for much needed rest. Everything else was simply...gone. After several attempts to force the memories he decided to focus on what he did know._

_Judging by the lingering smells, a woman had obviously been in his bed. He was even more acutely aware that they did in fact have sex. And a lot of it he frowned, shifting over to a drier part of the bed. If he had been in a better mood he would have patted himself on the back for a job well done._

_At least he hoped it was a job well done._

_But instead, the thought just pissed him off even more. Turning his head, he glared at the pillow ready to fall off the bed. There was something else mixed in with the smell of sweat that was nagging at him. Like it should make sense, but didn't. He tugged the pillow over and buried his face in it, inhaling through his nose._

_Damn it! He frustratingly knew somewhere in the back of his brain that he should know that scent._

_Both of them._

_Her scent and the odd one still nagging his brain to remember._

Even as he played the events of that morning and the day before in his mind, he could still sense Kakashi eyeing him from behind the book he so often had his nose planted in these days. He could have killed Jiraiya for giving it to him when he was barely fifteen.

"Did your talk with Rin not go well?"

Yondaime stopped, his brow knitted low over his eyes in confusion. Kakashi lowered his book as the man turned to him as if trying to figure out what he was talking about and yet knowing exactly what he was talking about all in the same train of thought.

"Rin?"

Kakashi copied the look on Yondaime's face, "You know. Brown hair, brown eyes...adorable stripes on her cheeks."

Yondaime still looked confused.

"Frighteningly talented medic who could kill you..."

"I know who your talking about baka!" Yondaime smacked the silver haired jonin in the side of the head. For a fraction of a second he wondered why Kakashi allowed him the satisfaction when he knew full well he could avoid it. But only for a second before his mind was back on Rin.

'Rin.'

The same bewildered look returned and Kakashi really began to worry about his sensei, "She came to see you right? To talk about the mission."

"Mission? Rin?"

Not good.

The man really did look like he was lost and confused. And considering he had never seen that look on his sensei's face before made it even more frightening. The Fourth was a not a man who was easily shaken. But it was obvious to Kakashi that whatever had happened was serious. He became even more worried when the blonde smiled and shook his head.

"Sorry. I must have forgotten with the headache and all the work this week."

'Liar.' Kakashi thought darkly, 'The Yondaime I know wouldn't forget jack shit even if you slammed his head up against a rock several times.'

Yondaime pushed off the stool and threw down the money, "I have to get back to work. Thanks for the ramen."

Kakashi watched as the tall blonde walked up the street. He looked tired with his slight slouch and hands shoved deep into his pockets. As soon as he was out of sight another warm body slid into the empty stool.

"So?"

"Whatever it is bothering him, he isn't giving up any information."

Jiraiya turned his nose up at the cold bowl in front of him and pushed it away, "But..."

Kakashi closed his eyes, replaying the entire conversation, or lack of he thought scratching the spot between his eyes, "Im not sure. I cant put my finger on it."

"Something is off about him. He actually paid without trying to stick you with the bill." Jiraiya grinned and shoved the money up next to the bowl for the owner to take, giving him a quick nod.

Kakashi hummed his agreement and pushed off the stool. He didn't want to say what he was thinking until he talked to Rin and confirmed she had indeed spoken to Yondaime. If she hadn't then why would he pretend he remembered? If she had, why didn't he remember? Either way, the mans reaction told Kakashi he didn't remember.

That thought made him feel very uneasy.

Rin had returned from the mission looking better than he had imagined she would considering...Kakashi clenched his fist in his pocket and pushed the thought away.

'She's a kunoichi. She can handle herself.'

"Kakashi-kun. This is a nice surprise." her eyes lit up when she saw her friend making his way up the corridor. She knew how much Kakashi detested hospitals, so for him to look for her here made her a bit nervous.

"Are you too busy to talk?" he asked glancing around and making faces that clearly said he would rather die than be brought here ever again.

"I suppose I can take a break."

Kakashi didn't miss the way her eyes wouldn't meet his again.

He waited for her to finish what she was doing, but when it became obvious she was stalling he grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into the nearest room, shutting the door with a sound click.

"What the hell is wrong with you that you need to talk to me so badly?" she glared rubbing her arm. Stopping, all she could do is stare as Kakashi glared back then relaxed again

"Im sorry. Im just a little tense and being in this...place...isn't making it any better. Not to mention, you were stalling." he grinned.

Rin gave him a reproachful look, silently admitting he was right, "So what is it that has you behaving like a raving lunatic?"

Suddenly she couldn't look away even if she wanted to, Kakashi holding her gaze with such intensity as he stepped right in front of her, "You look good. How did the mission go?"

"The mission?" she responded slowly then punched him in the chest, "Is that what this is all about? You had me worried something was really wrong!"

Kakashi grunted at the impact but continued to hold her in place with his eyes.

"It went better than I thought it would. In the end...it didn't last long...but it was easier to get through to the point where I could..."

Kakashi suddenly felt guilty for putting her on the spot like he had asking her about something so...personal. It was clear she had gone through with the original plan, but he could tell by the little bits she let slip it ended rather quickly. Mission completed he thought angrily.

"So talking to Yondaime helped?"

Rin opened her mouth then shut it, hesitating. She knew she had already given herself away in the few seconds it took her, but lied just the same, "I didn't go see him actually." The moment she said it, she nearly took it back. What if Yondaime remembered her coming to see him?

She had no idea how much the man remembered because she had left very early that morning and had avoided him like the plague since she returned to Konoha. She hadn't expected to be interrogated by her friend she thought glaring at him again.

Just how much did Kakashi know?

Kakashi's face didn't reveal what he was thinking. She hated that about him. It was so annoying. And that stupid mask didn't help. She wanted to ask how their sensei was, but feared it would give Kakashi more to think about. Damn that jonin and his stupid brain!

She hadn't counted on this.

What would he do if he found out?

What would he think of her?

None of that mattered if Yondaime remembered anything. She still stood by her decision and she didn't regret it. She would deal with the consequences if the time came. But it worried her that Kakashi was so damn suspicious and obviously upset. What had happened while she was gone?

"Headaches."

Rin blinked.

"He's been suffering from headaches. You should go see him. He's too stubborn to ask for help." he continued heading for the door and glanced over his shoulder with a slight grin before disappearing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:** I hope this chapter turned out ok. And I hope you like it. I actually had it mostly written last night, but lost it. I was pissed to say the least. So I had to rewrite it and its not exactly what I had, because I couldnt remember what I had word for word. And it was good, which make it so much more sad to have lost it. But I think this version worked out ok. Please let me know what you think.

* * *

"_Why?" he whispered._

Rin couldn't get the look on Yondaime's face out of her mind. It was obvious that he felt betrayed. The only emotion she could read in his bright blue eyes before his last bit of control crumbled. Everything else suppressed by the drug except for the near animalistic responses.

The sight of him at that very moment nearly broke her. Until his lips crushed hers in their first kiss. After that, every thing had moved so quickly and so passionately, she couldn't stop it even if she had wanted to. They were both caught up in themselves and the effects of the drug.

Rin threw back the blankets. The air was thick with rain that refused to fall. She had been laying in bed for nearly two hours, staring up at the ceiling, trying to stop the buzzing in her mind. The look in her sensei's eyes still haunted her. Even though she couldn't change what had happened.

So why did she keep visiting that night?

Kakashi.

If what he said was true...but she couldn't figure out why Yondaime would be having any symptoms. The ingredients were specific. The drug perfect. Quickly absorbed and water soluble so it wouldn't leave any traces or have many side effects.

She expected a hangover effect the morning after because the drug was designed to mimic alcohol specifically, mentally, not physically. So a headache then would be reasonable. Memory loss was also expected, but uncertain.

After all, the human brain was still largely a mystery in medicine.

But a week later? It made no sense. He shouldn't have any side effects, especially not headaches. Did she miss something in the design of the drug? Had she given him too much and unintentionally caused tissue damage?

Rin sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed. After a few moments, she made her way over to the window and pushed it open, hoping for some cooler air to clear her mind. Beads of sweat dotting her forehead.

No. She was sure that even if she had given him an overdose, the ingredients involved would not cause damage to any of the brains delicate tissues. And it most certainly shouldn't be causing him any pain. She wouldn't have attempted using it if there was even the slightest doubt.

She cared about him too much.

A little voice whispered to her from the back of her mind, 'If you cared about him, you wouldn't have done something so selfish.'

"_I couldn't knowingly force someone else to do what Im..."_

She had stopped herself from finishing her thought that night. Not just because she couldn't say it out loud, what she was facing on the mission. But because she realized she was knowingly forcing someone. Like she would be forced.

'I was selfish.'

In the few days she had been back, she had avoided thinking about that night or the mission. Neither event could be changed. And she couldn't find it in herself to regret her decision. It had saved her life.

'I am selfish.'

Yondaime was in pain because of her. Rin's instincts told her this was true. Still there was no regret. Not when she thought about the mission. The possible outcomes. The one positive outcome. She would have died. There was no doubt in her mind.

Rin tried to push away the memories of the filthy pig, her target. But his smell still lingered with each breath she took. His hands still made her skin crawl. When he first pushed into her, she had panicked. The overwhelming fear of being raped caused her to fight back blindly.

Then she had forced herself to remember, to focus. Yondaime and her one night with him reminded her that the man she was trapped by and the moment she was living would end if she could just regain control.

Even though the memory of the five minutes she had spent as a victim still made her hands shake and tears to sting her eyes, she knew it was no where near what she would have endured if she hadn't been able to regain control and end it quickly.

Target eliminated, mission complete.

And it was for this reason she couldn't bring herself to regret anything.

If he remembered and was angry, she could deal with that. Disappointed, again she could deal. In fact, anything he felt towards her she could deal with. He had a right to his feelings. She could not and would not deny him that.

If he remembered.

Rin shook her head. How many times had she gone over the situation, the consequences? And she always came to the same decision. A decision she couldn't change now. So why was she going over every detail as if she could?

Because Yondaime was in pain.

But why?

Rin found herself right back where she had started. Kakashi's words replaying in her mind. She felt like the answer was there, in their conversation. Maybe it wasn't exactly what he said, but how he behaved.

He behaved as if he knew, or at the very least suspected something had happened between herself and their sensei. So he was worried about their sensei. Headaches wouldn't cause him to be so worried he would come see her in the one place he always avoided.

Detested was a better word to describe Kakashi's feelings towards hospitals she thought sleepily. And even more reason to suspect something more than headaches was plaguing their sensei. But what would cause Kakashi to be so worried and for Yondaime to have headaches?

Plopping back on the bed, Rin wrapped her arms around her pillow and laid her head down.

If he didn't remember anything, could suppressed memories cause physical pain? Especially if strong emotions were connected to those memories? If he did remember, she could be sure that the strong emotions he felt for her would cause physical pain.

Rin felt the hot tears she had forced back earlier, slip down her cheeks.

Selfish wasn't a strong enough word to describe her self absorbed stupidity. She had overlooked something. Something more important than the drug or herself. More important than how he would feel about her if he ever remembered what she did to him.

A question she had failed to ask.

'How would he feel about himself?'

"_I don't want to give away something this special to just anyone who doesn't care about me." _

"_Rin. If you want I could..."_

"_Are you sure?"_

"_Im sure."_

"_Rin. If you want I could..."_

Yondaime jerked his head up off the desk, a paper still stuck to the side of his sweat soaked face. The dream still lingering as his eyes tried to focus on where he was. There were bits and pieces all strung together and repeating, but nothing he could hold onto or see clearly. The same type of dream he had been having all week.

Since that day.

"Something wrong with your own bed?"

Blinking several times and plucking the paper he had only just noticed off his face, he looked across the desk at Jiraiya. Feet propped up on the desk, sake bottle in one hand, cup in the other. Rubbing his hands over his face roughly, he proceeded to drag his fingers through his spiky hair before sitting back and eyeing his mentor.

"Work has been keeping me here late. What are you doing here old man?" Yondaime allowed a small grin as he sat forward and busied himself straightening the paperwork he only vaguely remembered reading.

"A silver haired brat mentioned you had been working yourself harder than usual this week. Naturally I was concerned."

Yondaime raised one eyebrow in disbelief, "Somehow I doubt that."

"Doubt what? That he told me or that I was concerned?" Jiraiya teased, then his eyes met the younger mans evenly, "How's your headache?"

Yondaime narrowed his eyes for a moment, bits and pieces of his dreams flashing through his mind. Somehow, no matter how much he wanted to talk to the man who had always been there for him, he couldn't bring himself to explain.

He just couldn't shake the feeling that whatever his subconscious was trying to tell him, it would be disastrous for anyone but himself to know the answer. The feelings he'd been having, which he associated with the strange dreams, which he believed were related to his memory loss, all led back to that night a week ago.

Yondaime was sure the headaches were a result and wouldn't be resolved until he could figure out the mystery.

"I think I need glasses." he grinned, "I also think Hatake has a big mouth for someone anti-social."

Jiraiya studied the blondes face carefully, searching for anything that might give something away, "You want to know what I think?"

"Do I have a choice?"

"I think...if that brat of yours is concerned enough to talk to me so openly about you..."

"Im fine old man. If I wasn't, you'd be the first to know." Yondaime's irritation was clear in his tone of voice.

"Exactly my point." Jiraiya smirked.

Before he could stop himself, his fist slammed on the desk as he stood, "I told you Im fine damn it!"

Jiraiya slowly raised his eyes up to meet Yondaimes. The frustration in the blondes eyes was obvious. But looking deeper, he could see a mixture of emotions swimming behind the normally bright blue eyes glaring back at him.

Uncertainty.

Confusion.

Fear.

Guilt.

But worst of all, he looked disgusted with himself.

As if he had done something so horrible he couldn't put it into words.

'You have no idea what you've done. Do you?' Jiraiya thought sadly as he watched Yondaime slowly sit back down, looking even more exhausted and on the verge of tears.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Notes:** This chappy took forever to work out. I knew what I wanted but had trouble wording it right so it flowed well. I hope Ive done a good job expressing Yondaime's relationship with his sensei Jiraiya. I imagined the sennin being fond of the shinobi. And Yondaime seeing him as a little more than just his sensei, someone he could talk to. Also, I hope I didnt make Yondaime out to be too sappy or weak sounding. Wouldnt you be thrown off by such unfamiliar feelings and a strange case of memory loss with no explanation? And sometimes, even the strongest shinobi need to cry. Who else would he feel comfortable enough to actually allow himself that one moment of weakness?

* * *

It was nearing four in the morning when Yondaime finished, staring off into the dark, not really seeing the few remaining lights scattered about the sleeping village. Jiraiya had sat quietly through the entire explanation, neither commenting or asking questions.

It had been unusually difficult getting the outspoken and expressive blonde to open up. Then, when he had finally gotten the younger man to speak, it had been cryptic. As if he was simply sorting out his own thoughts and feelings without giving too much away.

Jiraiya continued to stare at the cup of sake in his hands. Quietly contemplating everything he had heard. He could understand why the young Hokage had been so reluctant to talk about what had happened. But at the same time, he felt the man had been foolish not to confide in someone.

The silence between them seemed to press in on Yondaime, making it harder to push away the sudden rush of regret he felt for possibly saying too much. He was sure he sounded crazy the way he had gone on about everything. Even repeating himself several times as he continued to rant while trying to sort it all out in his own head.

Taking a long deep breath and letting it out slowly, he finally turned to face his mentor, something he had avoided since his outburst, "Im sorry." he said softly.

Jiraiya looked up, prepared to give him the don't worry about it smile. But he realized there was more meaning behind the words than simply apologizing for cursing at him earlier. Yondaime lowered his eyes, unable to look at him and Jiraiya knew why.

He let several long minutes pass in silence.

"I could use this in my new book." he blurted out suddenly as if it had just occurred to him, "This thing, with you and the mysterious woman." he continued, looking serious for all of five seconds, then bust up laughing.

Yondaime had jerked his head up glaring, finding he was at a loss for words. Whatever he had expected, it certainly wasn't excitement over a new idea for the next issue of the perverted hermits series of porn.

"Get out." he said in a very low and dangerous voice.

Jiraiya stood up to face him, still smiling as he grabbed one of Yondaime's hands away from his chest and shoved a sake cup into it, "I believe it's my turn to talk."

Before the blonde could protest, he had been steered to the other side of the desk and shoved into his chair. Looking from the cup to the man already seated across from him again, a look of utter confusion on his face, he simply stared as Jiraiya poured himself a fresh cup and leaned back.

Slowly his hand clenched around the small cup, "Weren't you listening?" he growled angrily setting down the cup with more force than he meant, sake splashing over his hand.

Jiraiya fixed him with a threatening glare the young Hokage hadn't seen since his genin days, "Drink." he ordered.

Yondaime breathed in and out through his nose trying to calm down, but still glaring back defiantly. He couldn't believe he had allowed himself to relax enough to actually tell the irritatingly stubborn hentai sitting smugly across from him what had happened.

After several long minutes of them staring at each other, Jiraiya jumped up out of his seat and reached across the desk grabbing a hand full of Yondaime's dark blue jonin shirt, jerking him forward until they were face to face. Moving so quickly, Yondaime hadn't even had time to think.

It was too late.

He stumbled back from the tall shinobi as their feet hit the ground, then had only a split second to react as Jiraiya attacked. Moving to dodge, he tried to pull a kunai to defend himself, but found there were none in his holster.

Ducking and swerving to avoid the constant attacks, he realized, as he quickly searched his person, that the old man had taken all his weapons in the heartbeat it took to transport them to their old training grounds. Apparently he was expected to use nothing more than hand to hand combat he thought angrily.

Suddenly he felt a sharp stinging pain as the tip of a kunai grazed his cheek. He knew was going to be handed his ass if he didn't clear his head of everything and start defending himself like a Hokage and not a self absorbed baka who had let his emotions take control of his senses.

But it was hard letting go of everything that had been foremost on his mind this week. Especially the sickening feeling of guilt he got whenever he tried to remember even the tiniest detail. Even as he flipped and turned and blocked, it was still there, haunting him.

The same overwhelming feeling that he had done something very wrong.

His eyes narrowed. He was also failing miserably at pushing aside the anger he felt towards his ex-sensei for being an inconsiderate ass about the whole thing. He had confided in him, had needed advice, understanding, reassurance that he...Yondaime's chest tightened catching him off gaurd.

It was all Jiraiya needed to land a sound kick to his chest and send him back against the tree with a loud crack. Yondaime fell to the ground and only a had a second to shake off the dizziness before he was on the move again, avoiding a barrage of shuriken.

Jiraiya relentlessly pursued his ex-student for nearly four hours before Yondaime finally conceded, simply too exhausted to continue. Staring across the short distance between him and the man who's opinion he respected more than anyone's, he backed away shakily.

Breathing heavily, he only faintly felt the stinging cuts and bruises covering his body. His limbs ached now, but no longer felt like a million white hot needles. He felt strangely numb and slightly shell shocked, although he couldn't explain why. His brain seemed to be shutting down. Too tired to think.

He vaguely felt the tree against his back and it took a moment for him to register he was no longer moving away from the older shinobi. Instead, he was falling as he slid down the rough bark to the ground. Using the last of his strength, he propped his arms up on his knees, letting his head hang as he stared at nothing particular in the grass beneath his feet.

Jiraiya watched him for a moment before walking over and crouching down in front of him. Thinking about the blonde and what he had been told back in the office. Remembering the oppressing amount of raw emotions he had witness. Now, sitting here in front of him, he looked as if a heavy weight that had been pinning him beneath the surface of a lake had been lifted.

The sounds of crickets and leaves rustling mingled with the only other sound they shared, their breathing. And just when Jiraiya thought he had succeeded in exhausting the young Hokage to the point where he didn't have strength left to feel anything but the desire to close his eyes and sleep, the man was pressing the flats of his palms against his eyes as he fell forward.

Jiraiya placed a hand at the back of his head and tugged him closer, letting the man lean against him as he shook silently.

Yondaime took a deep breath and let it out slowly, "So it was this numb feeling you were going for when you tried to kill me tonight?" he asked, his speech slightly slurred.

Jiraiya refilled both their cups and sat back against the wall, "Something like that. Did it work?"

"Hn." he grunted, "Im Konoha's Yellow Flash! The Fourth Hokage! Even you, old man, can't kill me." he held up his cup and tipped the contents into his mouth, humming as it slid down his raw throat making him cough. Then held out his cup for another, regardless that his body was telling him to quit while he was ahead.

Jiraiya laughed, "Don't forget brat. I know the real reason they started calling you Konoha's Yellow Flash!"

Yondaime frowned, "You mean YOU started calling me that! I was four hentai! And it only happened that one time." he grumbled.

Jiraiya stopped and stared at the blonde in shock, then grinned, "You were 12 and it was a dare!" he countered.

Yondaime appeared to think intensely about the incident, "No, I was 6 and was tricked into believing I had an invisibility jutsu cast on me to make me invisible." he corrected.

Jiraiya laughed even harder at this admission and elbowed the younger in the side, "Liar! You knew full well even then that there was no such thing as an invisibility jutsu. You streaked through Konoha because you were trying to get the attention of a cute little brunette with auburn eyes who wouldn't look your way no matter what cool jutsu's you knew or how much you batted your pretty blue eyes!"

Yondaime grinned stupidly at the memory, "Yuki."

"TO YUKI!" Jiraiya announced tossing back his head only to realize his cup was empty.

Yondaime paled visibly and struggled to stand as he somehow made his way towards the bathroom. Jiraiya watched him go, a concerned frown etched on his face. He could hear the retching from where he sat in the kitchen.

Setting the sixth empty sake bottle next to the other five, he smiled. Yondaime had only consumed three and he was already on the verge of passing out. Jiraiya shook his head in mock shame, remembering the last time three bottles had been enough to get him to pray to the porcelain gods.

He was fourteen he recalled nostalgically.

Now, three bottles made him feel slightly warm and fuzzy at best. But Yondaime had needed to talk, needed the company, needed an outlet. And in his opinion, lots and lots of sake! Had he known it didn't take lots and lots of sake to get the man drunk he wouldn't have brought so many he thought smiling and glancing at the box at his feet with six more bottles laying in wait.

Jiraiya contemplated Yondaime's mysterious visitor and even more mysterious memory loss as he listened to him retch a second time.

Yondaime pushed up, steadying himself on the edge of the sink as he lifted his eyes to the mirror. But it wasn't his reflection he was seeing. It was a woman's. At least her eyes. The rest of her face was still blurry. But he knew without a doubt those eyes, so clear in his mind, belonged to the mysterious woman from that night.

He was starting to remember. He was desperate to remember.

Then a flash of something, he closed his eyes tight trying to hold on to the memory as he groped for the side of the bathtub. Hands, breathing, a door hitting the wall. He was sure he was remembering that night. But it was like trying to hold onto a bubble without popping it as he tried to force the memories to become clearer, become more than flashes of fragments he couldn't piece together.

His head throbbed and he blindly reached out feeling for the toilet as he doubled over again.

Even intoxicated he couldn't escape her he thought darkly, feeling the familiar sensation of slowly losing consciousness with each heart pounding throb of pain.

Jiraiya appeared next to him, grabbing a wash cloth and running it under cold water. Pressing it to Yondaime's forehead, he eased him back when he no longer showed signs of having anything left in his stomach to puke up.

"Can you stand?" he asked softly.

Yondaime nodded weakly, grabbing the elder shinobi's arm as he pulled him to his feet, "Some Hokage I turned out to be." he breathed out, hand clutching the door frame for support. He felt strangely unrestrained thanks to the sake. He assumed it was the alcohol. But he couldn't blame the tightness in his chest on the sake. It was an all too familiar feeling he had been having a lot lately.

"Your human."

"Im a Konoha shinobi, the Hokage. Im suppose to be better than that. How can I protect my village, my precious people, if I cant even protect myself in my own home?" he bit out through clenched teeth.

Jiraiya sighed, 'I knew, even before you said anything. You doubt yourself even more now. You no longer feel worthy of your title, do you?' he thought sadly.

"You were always too hard on yourself." Jiraiya chuckled lightly, lowering the semi-conscious shinobi to his bed. Crouching in front of him, he reached up to stop him from falling forward, staring into his watery blue eyes, "Never saw yourself the way others do. The way I do. Its part of your charm."

Yondaime took several steadying breaths and placed a hand on the mans shoulder to keep from falling over, "I have to be stronger. People's lives depend on me. I have to be nothing less than the very best, all the time. There is no other way...or people die."

"Obito didn't die because you were too late. Or because you were anything less than your very best. He died because a giant boulder crushed his body. Because he was exactly like you in that he willingly and without hesitation risked his life to save someone precious to him."

Yondaime's slightly dazed expression hardened instantly as he glared into Jiraiya's eyes, but the sennin could still the pain.

"And whatever happened a week ago isn't your fault either. Other than your own conscious torturing you, there isn't any evidence that the woman meant any harm, whatever her reasons. No one died or got hurt because you succumbed to the charms of beautiful woman." he smiled warmly, "Your only..."

"Human." Yondaime finished coldly.

Letting his words sink in for a moment, Jiriaya finally stood, smiling down at the frustrated jonin no longer meeting his eyes, "Let it go brat. Whatever happened is in the past now. You have nothing to be ashamed of." he said pressing a finger to Yondaime's forehead and pushing him back onto the bed.

Surprisingly easy considering the man had been so close to passing out as a result of exhaustion and sake for nearly an hour now he chuckled to himself, walking through the door and leaving the young Hokage to brood alone.

Yondaime lay silent for what seemed like an eternity, staring up at the blank ceiling, his body felt like a lead weight dragging him further into the dark abyss. As his eyes drifted close he came to a clear and resolute decision.

First, his sensei was cruel for not feeling half as bad as he did even though he was sure he had consumed just as much. B: he figured the man knew him better than he knew himself so he could be right, maybe about Obito, but not about the woman. And #3, he couldn't afford to be just human, not if it put his village in danger.

Which brought him back to D: the woman, he thought dreamily as the black void finally devoured any remaining conscious thoughts, his breathing becoming slow and even.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Notes:** Ok, here it is. The next chapter. It took me all day to get it right. I think Ive worked out all the errors and bugs and I hope it flows well for you. I try to add a lightness to each chapter, some humor or something. But most of the chappy's have been sort of angsty. I really do hope you enjoy this chapter. I enjoyed writing it. I felt the need to show a little more dept between Kakashi and Yondaime's character, as I imagine they were close. Then It occurred to me that Kakashi seeing Yondaime in such a state of mind might make him a little more than just worried. And the scene just came together so I hope it's not too much. But it is all leading to a single moment. Trust me, it all has some purpose. Please review. Thank you.

* * *

Kakashi frowned, looking around the room he had been told the young Hokage was suppose to be working in. But at first glance there didn't seem to be anyone there. The table in the center of the room was covered with scrolls, books, a hitai-ate, and a few empty cartons of take out. Evidence he had been there at least he sighed.

Walking over to the cluttered table, he turned in a full circle, hoping to catch a glimpse of blonde tufts moving about in the shadows. But the bookshelves and filing cabinets scattered randomly around the room created something like a maze, making his casual search annoyingly difficult.

Just as he opened his mouth to call out he heard a loud crash and muffled cursing as a tall blonde appeared rubbing the top of his head and carrying a box.

"Kakashi." Yondaime seemed to forget his pain and dropped the box on the table, "Did you get it?"

Kakashi pulled a scroll from under his vest, "Just got back."

Yondaime took the scroll, then paused, looking the jonin over, "Your in one piece. I take it you didn't run into too much trouble." he commented as he wandered back over to chair. The only piece of furniture not covered with scraps of paper and scrolls.

Kakashi crossed his arms and leaned on the edge of the table, "Of coarse Im fine. Im not a genin." The scroll, he noticed, which had seemed important five seconds ago, disappeared into the Hokage's coat pocket without a second glance.

Yondaime started rummaging through scrolls looking for something before remembering the box and flipping off the lid, tossing it on the floor, only to go right back to rummaging through scrolls again, "Maybe not, but you are a very bad liar." he commented, poking Kakashi in the ribs with a scroll.

Kakashi grunted and pushed away from the table to get away from his sensei's assault, "Hey, I don't kick you when your down."

"I don't lie about being injured to avoid hospitals and risk puncturing a lung with a broken rib either. You should go see if Rin's in." he said offhandedly as he examined a scroll. Then pausing, he lowered the scroll and gave Kakashi a playful grin, "Im sure she wouldn't mind ordering you to take off your shirt." he said wiggling an eyebrow suggestively.

Kakashi glared, but couldn't stop his ears from turning red, "Don't do that. Its creepy."

Yondaime sighed, "Your no fun Kashi-kun."

"Hn." Kakashi hummed, watching his sensei as he sat down and propped his feet up on the table, leaning back to read a scroll. The man looked a whole lot better than he had two months ago, even if he still appeared exhausted. Apparently whatever he had been so obsessively disturbed with was no longer an issue or had been dealt with.

"You look better."

Yondaime lowered the scroll and stared at Kakashi, "Thank you." But it was obvious he had no idea what Kakashi was talking about.

"Your headaches are gone. And your eating ramen again." he gestured to the empty cartons.

Yondaime continued to stare at his student, unsure of what to say in response. "Was it that obvious?" he sighed laying the scroll across his lap and pinching the bridge of his nose before folding his hands behind his head.

"You stopped eating ramen." Kakashi gave him a bored, yet sarcastic look.

Yondaime chose an interesting spot on the far wall to stare at. It was true that he had taken Jiraiya's advice and put his head back on straight. But he hadn't forgotten about the women or rather he hadn't remembered her. The dreams didn't occur as often and with time the sick feeling eased up enough so he could get on with work and such.

But when things were quiet, he still thought of that night and what it might have meant.

Kakashi could sense the same feelings from him as before, not as strong, but they were still there, "Your not going to tell me what happened are you?"

Yondaime's eyes flicked to Kakashi's, his face expressionless, "It's personal and in the past. It doesn't matter anymore."

They stared at each other for a long time. Yondaime silently willing him to drop it and Kakashi silently accusing him of something he couldn't quit distinguish in the jonins one cold eye.

Kakashi lowered his eye, "It's just that I...you..."

Yondaime frowned. It wasn't like Kakashi to fumble over what he wanted to say. For a moment they just sat there quietly, Kakashi still searching for the right words, Yondaime trying to figure out what was wrong with his student. Suddenly his blonde eyebrows shot up in understanding.

"Kakashi." he pushed up and walked over to stand in front of the young man he had known since he was five. "Im sorry if I worried you. I didn't even realize that I was being that transparent until a wise old man with a mean right hook kindly rubbed my face in it." he grinned.

Kakashi started to turn away, but Yondaime grabbed his arm, stubbornly, Kakashi kept his head down, "You...felt like him." he forced out through gritted teeth, hating every word and how admitting that he was scared of what he had witnessed made his chest tighten painfully.

'Him?' he thought quickly, afraid Kakashi wouldn't continue if he appeared not to understand what he was trying to tell him. It wasn't like Kakashi to share his feelings. But it was obvious his reaction to what had happened wasn't as simple as being worried.

And then he remembered. A traumatized seven year old found staring at his fathers body, covered in his fathers blood. Sakumo had been dead for a day and a half before they found Kakashi. His only words to Yondaime when he carried him away was 'I felt him.'

"Listen to me. What happened with your father was different. I wasn't..."

"It wasn't different." Kakashi growled, his head snapped up and eyes locked with Yondaime's, "It was the same. You were the same!" he yelled, jerking his arm away.

"It's not the same!" Yondaime yelled back, placing his hands on either side of Kakashi's head, holding him in place as he bent down until he was eye level with him, "It's not the same." he repeated lowering his voice.

"I could sense exactly what you were feeling and it was the same way he felt before he killed himself."

Yondaime felt as if he had been slapped in the face. He preferred Jiraiya's method of making his point. He shouldn't be surprised the boy didn't have the trust enough to know he would never kill himself. No matter how badly he was feeling inside, the thought had never occurred to him. But how could Kakashi not think that, after his own father had left him.

If you cant trust your parents, who can you trust?

"I am not Sakumo." he said slowly, punctuating each word with a tone of finality that he hoped would get through to Kakashi. Make him believe his words. To trust them and understand.

He wanted to hate the mysterious woman for being the cause of the emotional avalanche she unknowingly triggered. He had foolishly allowed himself to get swept away by it. But he could only find enough hate for himself for involving Kakashi in his problem.

Standing, he pulled Kakashi into a forced hug, something the boy usually protested. He was surprised when he was hugged back with a desperation Kakashi had only expressed once before when he finally broke down after his fathers death.

So he let him cling to him for as long as he needed and wondered just how long he would have to wait until the next emotional outburst would bring him back for another.

"Ow."

"Ow?"

Kakashi pulled away, looking a little sheepish as he gently rubbed the bruised and possibly broken rib they had both forgotten about, "Ahh. Well, as much as I am enjoying this sudden and unexpected display of emotions." Kakashi threw him a dirty look, "I think we should get you over to the hospital."

Even under the mask and hitai-ate, Yondaime could see the sour look on his face at the mention of his least favorite place, "Im...fine." he started to protest, but gritted his teeth against the sharp pain of Yondaime's fingers poking him in the ribs, "Stop doing that!" he growled.

Outwardly he was irritated with the man, butsilently, as he watched his sensei gather his coat, Kakashi was thankful for the jonin's innate ability to know when to change the subject. But he didn't have to be so annoying about it either he thought staring at Yondaime's back still rubbing the aching rib.

Yondaime pulled his coat on, quickly formed hand seals and turned just in time to snatch the back of Kakashi's shirt before he could get away.

"Don't be such a baby." Yondaime teased, a firm grip on Kakashi's shirt as he steered him up the hall to the desk.

"Ah, Hokage-sama. What a nice surprise." a young woman smiled sweetly, batting her eyelashes up at Yondaime. But when he opened his mouth to say something back, Kakashi rolled his one eye and groaned irritatingly load.

Which he did every time any of the women in Konoha flirted with his sensei.

The med-nin narrowed her angry brown eyes at Kakashi, "Which of you needs to be seen?" she asked as her frown turned into a malicious grin.

"He does." both jonin's pointed at the other then glared at each other.

"I thought so. You can take him into that room there." she nodded to an open door behind them and to the left.

Kakashi crossed him arms, defiantly glaring at the lady behind the desk until he was jerked back and shoved through the door, "Calm down or Ill make sure you get that big med-nin you love so much. You know, the one with the thick mustache who likes to squeeze your cheeks." he smiled.

Kakashi pulled off his hitai-ate and shot Yondaime a threatening look that plainly said 'don't you dare'. But Yondaime didn't miss the way his hand quickly ran over his backside where mentioned med-nin had not only squeezed his cheek, but stabbed him with a large needle.

He was in the midst of pulling off his forearm protectors when a med-nin he recognized passed in his peripheral, "Rin!" he called heading for the door, trying not to look too happy to see her, "Rin!"

Rin stopped and turned, looking for the familiar voice, then smiled half heartedly when she saw a shock of silver heading her way. She had been avoiding him as much as Yondaime for weeks now. Trying to stay busy so she would always have an excuse not to see them.

"Kakashi. What are you doing here?" she glanced behind him nervously.

"Yondaime dragged me here." he frowned as Rin visibly paled, "Tell me your not busy." he added leaning in closer, "Please. I don't want to get stuck with mustache lady."

Rin smiled despite herself. The whole incident of the mustache lady and Kakashi's cheeks had been witnessed the entire team. Neither she or Obito had been able to hide their laughter as he chased them around the room. It was his distraction that got him stabbed with the needle she remembered.

The image of Kakashi's face as he stifled a yelp of pain was priceless.

"I cant. Im not working today. Im sorry." she shook her head sadly.

"I knew you couldn't avoid me forever."

Rin froze, unable to look up. She just wanted to run away and hide. She knew she would have to face him eventually. But now that he was there, even with the last two months to prepare for this moment, it was harder than she thought it would be. But things were more complicated now.

'Why did he have to be here today? Why did it have to be today? I need more time. I cant do this right now. Not here, not like this.'

She wanted to disappear.

"Rin...are you ok? You look pale." Yondaime asked, the concern in his voice obvious as he stepped around Kakashi and pressed a hand to her forehead.

The touch of his hand sent chills down her spine and she had to concentrate to keep from jerking away. Slowly she reached up and wrapped her fingers around his wrist, gently pulling his hand away as she forced herself to look up, "Im fine. Just a little under the weather." she said softly, letting his hand fall away.

"Rin-chan. There you are. Im ready for you."

"Hatake! There you are. Get in here. I don't have all day."

Rin glanced at Kakashi upon hearing both their names being called. He had the same penetrating, suspicious look in his eyes as before when he had dragged her into a room to question her about the mission and Yondaime. Once again she found she couldn't look away as he held her place with the intensity of his mismatched eyes.

Kakashi glanced up at Yondaime, who was still staring at Rin's face, but seemed to be lost in deep thought. Rin took advantage and turned on her heal, desperate to get away from them both as quickly as possible.

But Yondaime's hand wrapped around her upper arm. Rin's heart pounded in her ears. She tried to pull away gently, but his grip was firm. Slowly, he pulled her back until she had no choice but to face him, keeping her eyes locked on his chest, refusing to look at him again.

Kakashi frowned and looked from one to the other, quietly searching their faces for some sign of what they were thinking. Although their behavior confirmed his suspicion that something had happened between them, it was still confusing. Rin looked terrified. But why would she be afraid of their sensei? And why did Yondaime look as if he was seeing Rin for the first time?

Rin ran her free hand over her stomach, feeling like she would wretch all over him any moment. She was sure he had remembered, or was in the process of remembering something. Whatever it was, it was making her feel sick with nerves. She glanced at Kakashi, silently pleading him to say something, give her a chance to get away from him.

Kakashi looked from Rin's terrified eyes to Yondaime's face, "Sensei."

Rin flinched and whimpered when his free hand grasped hers, pulling it away from her stomach and up until her soft pulse was near the corner of his mouth, never once taking his eyes off her face.

"Sensei." Kakashi repeated more firmly as a tear slipped down Rin's cheek and a sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead.

Yondaime eyes narrowed dangerously as he did something that made Kakashi grab his arm, "Sensei!" But Yondaime didn't seem to hear or feel him trying to pull his arm away as he sniffed the soft skin of Rin's wrist.

Rin's eyes snapped up to Yondaime's as he whispered one word, "Why?" and in that instant he understood. Everything about that night suddenly made sense as if he had always known. His eyes widened in shock, his face paled and his lips parted.

Then without warning, he released both her arms and stepped back as if she had shocked him, then disappeared.


	6. Delay in Updating

**Delay in Updating**

Due to recent changes in formatting documents on I will not be updating for a while.

I did have a new chapter of "Unsettled" prepared, but since I have to spend all my free time going back and replacing my scene breaks and checking for missing dialogue and italics in all my stories I wont be uploading anything new.

I apologize for the mess my current stories are in, scenes running into one another without any warning and such, which makes them near impossible to read and enjoy. I will be fixing them as soon as possible. Thank you.


	7. Chapter 6

**Author's Notes:** So sorry for the delay in updates. Real Life has been a pain in the arse!

Big change here, Yondaime has a name! If you dont read the manga you wont know what Im talking about, so be warned: **Spoilers in this chapter.**

And for those of you who know what Im talking about, dont get all crazy and yell at me: I wont be going back and changing all the Yondaime's to Minato's. Too many other important things I could be doing with my time.

ALSO, this story was meant to be finished before the biggest secret in all of Naruto-land was revealed. Some of you know what Im talking about. But Im going to finish this fic as originally planned regardless so no flames from the CANON people who would just die if anything in the Naruto-verse gets changed for the benefit of creativity.

Yes, Im a smartass right now. But it's 4 am and this chappy took forever to write.

**EDIT:** This chapter is being resubmitted due to major changes. I practically re-wrote the entire chapter because I wasnt happy with it and it ended very badly the first time around. So here is the new and hopefully improved chapter of Rin's Decision. ENJOY!!

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**Rin's Decision**

**Chapter 6**

Minato inhaled deeply, letting the breath be pushed from his lungs by the weight of his own chest. In. Out. In. Out. Slowly his muscles started to relax. He could see the bright warm sun through his eyelids. It felt nice. Warm. Comforting. He needed this.

The past few weeks had been worse than the ones before.

After his encounter with Rin and the revelation that accompanied it, he'd done everything he could to avoid her. Kakashi as well. Even Jiraiya had been finding it more difficult to locate the blonde. He simply didn't want to speak to anyone.

He didn't want to answer questions. Or avoid them. He didn't want to think about or deal with this...this...overwhelming, breath stealing, want to stuff himself into a box and ship it to Stone with a note that says 'Kill me now.' _thing_ or situation or whatever it was.

He'd tried everything to relax and sort through his emotions with a level head.

But it was always hindered by memories of Rin and the truth of what they'd done. What he did. He wished he could go back to that day. Kept his distance and his ignorance. Allowed himself to continue being blissfully unaware of the mysterious woman's identity.

_Woman. _

The word made him feel ill.

Rin wasn't a woman.

She was a child.

His student.

Slowly kneading the wrinkles from his brow, he took another deep breath, letting it pull the tension from his body.

In. Out. In. Out.

So long as he kept breathing, the world wouldn't come to an end.

He'd tried relaxing in his office, but the chunins kept coming in with more paperwork. Finding their current Hokage in odd positions he realized was causing more stress. For himself and the shinobi working for him.

First, he simply tried to nap on the couch, but it smelled like Kakashi, which reminded him of Rin. So he tried laying on the floor with his feet in his chair. It helped for a little while. But it took ten minutes to get the chunin to stop hyperventilating, so he found himself laying on his back on top of the Hokage mansion soaking up the sunshine. No chunins or smelly couches.

It was a peaceful place to be when one needed to think. The monument was an inspiration sometimes he would talk to the old faces to help sort himself out.

It wasn't working today.

His confession, "_I've slept with my student who is a child by the way_."

Their response, _"Some Hokage you turned out to be._"

He was sure the stone faces were glaring at him even now. Judging him. Deciding wether or not he was worthy of anything other than an eternity in hell. Which he was sure he deserved. He imagined the Death God checking off names while he waited in line and an odd all knowing smile would appear as he called, "Namikaze Minato. Pedophile. Check." and then he would laugh manically.

Minato ran his fingers through his hair and tugged, surrendering to his stress. He sat up, draping his arms around his knees. Glowering at nothing and everything. He was right to believe he had done something unforgivable. Something far worse than just a one night stand with a woman he couldn't remember.

Because it hadn't been a one night stand between two consenting adults.

There was no consent and only one adult that night.

Rin's part in this didn't matter when compared to his.

He was so angry at her, but even more angry with himself. No. Not just angry. Disappointed. He was suppose to be better than this. He let his own student drug him in his own house in his own village. It didn't matter where he was or who she was. He was suppose to be a shinobi, trained to notice the smallest details. Thinking back to that night he could easily see everything he'd missed simply because he'd let his guard down. It was so clear now. Painfully clear.

"Don't worry. Im not going to run away."

"I didn't think you would since I managed to get this close and your still here."

"It was the tea."

He'd spent hours trying to decipher the memories of that night. Piece them together into something resembling sanity. Several headaches later he'd remembered their conversation. Remembered Rin insisting that she make them tea.

"You weren't suppose to remember."

The intensity in which Minato glared at her over his arm made Rin stop where she was, "I remember everything."

It wasn't a complete lie.

He did have memories of the events after he finished the tea. They were less clear and scattered, but still vivid enough for him to know he had most definitely been in his bed naked with the very same girl standing only a few feet away. Girl. Child. Not a woman he reminded himself. Again.

Rin blushed, "Im sorry."

"Your sorry?"

Rin returned the glare instantly. Already on the defensive. She'd had this argument with herself time and again and her conclusion was no different. Other than the effect it was having on her ex-sensei, she just couldn't bring herself to completely regret her decision. In the end she was grateful for the strength their night together gave her. She survived her mission with her sanity intact. "Of coarse Im sorry!" she spat back, hands balled into fists.

Minato stood up, facing her as he folded his arms over his chest, "For what? Lying to me? Drugging me? Using me? Making me into a lunatic for the past couple of months? What exactly are you sorry for Rin? Turning me into a pedophile?"

"Your not a pedophile and I'm not a child!" she protested, angry he would think something so horrible about himself.

"Your 16..."

"And a kunoichi and a med-nin..."

"And my student!"

"Ex-student!"

"That doesn't make it ok!" he yelled so loud several birds burst from the nearest tree.

Rin clamped her mouth shut tight, chest heaving, a sheen of sweat broke out on her forehead and she swayed a bit in the breeze before steadying herself. She wasn't going to be the one to back down first and she was going to make him listen to her because it was killing her inside that he was torturing himself for what she'd done.

The breeze blew leaves around like a mini tornado, disappearing over the edge of the building. A thick, fluffy cloud blocked the sun for a few moments. Minato's eyes remained locked with Rin's, neither willing to back down. She was outright defying him, yelling at him, treating him like they were friends who'd made a mistake.

"Do you have any idea what I've been through because of what I did...what we did?"

"You didn't do anything wrong!" Rin pleaded.

"I had sex with my student!"

"Because I drugged you out of your mind and seduced you. You didn't take advantage of me. Drugged or not you saved my life. Doesn't that mean anything to you? Would it help if you thought of it as a mission? Because if it were a mission you wouldn't be driving yourself insane over this. You'd accept it and move on. Or is it because you're the Hokage and your stubborn pride wont let you see reason?"

Minato glared down into a very angry kunoichi's face and not for the first time since she'd appeared on _his_ roof he noticed the pallor color of her skin and the way her clothes seemed to be a bit too big even though he'd seen her wearing this very same outfit barely four months ago. Then he remembered something from that day in the hospital before his world turned upside down for the second time in the last couple of months.

She'd been pale then too and the med-nin had said she was ready for her. Ready for what? An exam? Why would she still be sick?

"Rin?" he frowned, reaching on instinct to feel her forehead before it occurred to him touching her was not a good idea and let his hand hover.

Rin opened her mouth as if she were going to continue her tirade. But instead of words, vomit poured out, splattering all over Minato's chest. For a moment she just stared, one hand over her mouth, in mild shock. Tears threatening to spill over when she finally spoke, "Im sorry."

Minato's hand darted out, steadying her when she started to look as if she would faint or worse, vomit on him again, "Sit down. I should get a med-nin. Take slow deep breaths."

"No. Ill be fine. I just...I haven't been feeling well and it sneaks up on me sometimes." she let him guide her over to the rail, using it to lower herself down, grateful for the little bit of shade the nearby tree cast. She was surprised when he joined her, offering up the hem of his coat to wipe her mouth with, "Im sorry about your shirt. Ill clean it for you."

Minato shook his head, glancing down at the ick he could feel soaking through the fabric, "Im the one who should apologize. I shouldn't have yelled. I just...I feel..."

"Betrayed?"

"Yes."

"It wasn't suppose to be like this. I tried to rationalize everything. To make what I was planning ok in my own head. But all I was thinking about was myself. I never imagined it would effect you this way. You have every right to hate me."

"I don't hate you Rin. And I think I understand, just a little, why you did it. But..." he turned to look at her, the ache in his chest only growing stronger seeing how young and weak she looked sitting next to him, her hands shaking, tears streaking her normally happy face. "Why me?" he whispered.

When she curled over, sobbing into her hands, he wanted to wrap his arms around her like when she was younger and had cried over the simpler things in life. Like Obito and Kakashi arguing. Again. And the not so simple things. When she'd explained to him how Obito had died saving Kakashi.

But now...touching her for any reason was beyond wrong.

Before that night, a comforting hug had been just that. Something innocent between him and his student when she needed it most. But now, even when he knew she needed this simple act from him, he couldn't help but feel he was taking advantage of her.

So he waited patiently, realizing for the first time how hard this must have been for her as well.

Girls were more emotionally attached to their virginity than boys. For them it was a gift they chose to give away to someone they loved. Rin was forced to give hers away prematurely. But he could understand, it was still a choice. Far better than having some dirty old man taking it from her for the sake of a mission. But he didn't understand why she chose him of all the boys her own age who would have jumped at the opportunity. Hell, even Kakashi would have been a better choice.

"I chose you...because, other than Kakashi, I trust you more than anyone." she choked on a sob, wiping her nose on the piece of red and white coat she was still clinging to, "Because I didn't want the memory of some smelly pig forcing himself on me to haunt me for the rest of my life."

Minato inhaled deeply, then wrinkled his nose. Sitting up he slipped out of his coat and draped it over Rin's legs before tugging his shirt over his head, being careful not to get the smelly mess in his hair. Wadding it up, he dropped it between his legs and gave his tank top a quick check to make sure it wasn't soiled too badly before sitting back.

Rin chewed her lower lip nervously. He was being too quiet.

"You also said _'Not just trust with the experience itself, but with keeping it to themselves. And I don't want to give away something this special to just anyone who doesn't care about me at all.'_"

Rin turned to stare at him in disbelief. He'd remembered word for word what she'd said to him that night. "How did you..."

"At the time I thought you were listing reasons why you weren't going to choose anyone to help you. But you were telling me why you chose me." It made more sense to him now. She wanted someone who knew what they were doing, someone who wouldn't tell anyone and most importantly someone who cared about her.

She had obviously given it a lot of thought, including the drug she used, which on it's own was impressive. Everything had worked perfectly to her own advantage and from a shinobi's point of view, the plan was nearly flawless. Except that he'd remembered everything. But his memory was his problem, not hers. Something he would have to deal with on his own. Because he couldn't tell anyone what had happened between them. Not just to protect his reputation, which he was sure had been part of her reasoning, but to protect her. If the counsel found out they would want her arrested, at the very least strip her of her rank and prevent her from working as a med-nin.

"Rin..." Minato rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of what to say now that things were out in the open. At least all the important things. He didn't even want to get into a discussion about the risk she took by having unprotected sex. Even if she was on birth control which he knew was a requirement of all kunoichi. And he wasn't going to scare her by telling her she could very well go to prison if anyone found out. He'd just have to make sure no one found out.

So what was left for him to say?

"You did what you had to do to survive. I cant blame you for that. But I cant say that I forgive you or that Im not still angry. I trusted you and you betrayed me." he took a deep breath, "But I don't hate you. I could never hate you." slowly he reached an arm around her shoulders, pulling her against him.

Rin turned into his warmth, fresh tears soaking into his top, "Do I still have to wash your shirt?"

Minato pulled a face, eyeing the offensive smelling shirt between his legs, "You were sick that day at the hospital too, weren't you? I remember, you looked like you did today. As if you were going to faint. And the med-nin, she said she was ready for you."

Rin cringed, cursing the man's ability to remember everything, even when he wasn't suppose to. She wasn't ready for this. Minato wasn't ready for this. If he didn't hate her now, he would. She needed more time. Time to let him cool down and maybe, if she was lucky, to forgive her.

Minato's frown deepened, "Rin. What is it your not telling me?"


End file.
